Amale Bouzlafa

Codependency and Narcissism Aren’t Opposites

They are different wounds. Different failures. Different repairs.

Codependency and narcissism are often placed on opposite ends of a spectrum, as if one is “too much empathy” and the other “too little.” This framing is not only inaccurate; it actively confuses people who are trying to heal.

They are not opposites.
They are different breakdowns of the self.

The Core Difference (Not a Spectrum)

Codependency is a loss of self.
Narcissism is a lack of empathy.

Those two statements point to entirely different psychological structures.

Codependency is not excessive empathy.
Narcissism is not excessive self-love.

They are separate constructs with separate mechanisms, and they require different forms of repair.

What Codependency Actually Is

Codependency is defined by:

• Loss of internal reference
• Chronic external validation-seeking
• Difficulty identifying one’s own needs, limits, or truth
• Self-definition through others
• Emotional fusion rather than connection

At its core, codependency is self-abandonment.

The codependent person does not lack empathy.
In fact, they are often highly empathic.

The issue is not feeling others too little.
The issue is feeling others at the expense of oneself.

What Narcissism Actually Is

Narcissism, clinically speaking, is characterized by:

• Impaired emotional empathy
• Difficulty recognizing or resonating with others’ internal states
• Grandiosity or defensive self-focus
• Fragile self-esteem masked by control or superiority

Research supports this distinction clearly.
A key study by Ritter et al. (2011) published in the Journal of Psychiatric Research found that narcissism is associated with deficits in emotional empathy, even when cognitive empathy (understanding that someone feels something) may remain intact.

In other words:
Narcissism is not “too much self.”
It is a failure of emotional attunement to others.

Why Boundaries Are So Often Misunderstood

One of the most damaging myths in healing culture is this:

“If you set boundaries, you’re becoming narcissistic.”

This is false.

Boundaries are not narcissism.
They are what make empathy possible without self-erasure.

Without boundaries:

• Empathy turns into absorption
• Compassion turns into obligation
• Care turns into self-betrayal

Boundaries do not reduce empathy.
They contain it.

Different Problems Require Different Repairs

Here is where the confusion becomes harmful.

Codependency heals through:

• Self-sovereignty
• Internal reference
• Reclaiming authorship of decisions
• Rebuilding a stable sense of “I”
• Learning to say no without collapse

Narcissism heals through:

• Developing emotional empathy
• Tolerating vulnerability
• Recognizing others as separate inner worlds
• Repairing relational attunement

Trying to treat codependency with “more empathy” deepens the wound.
Trying to treat narcissism with “stronger boundaries” misses the core issue.

Empathy and Codependency Are Not the Same

This distinction matters deeply:

• Empathy is the capacity to feel.
• Codependency is the loss of self while feeling.

You can be deeply empathic without being codependent.
In fact, true empathy requires a self to return to.

Without a self, empathy becomes drowning.

The Role of Boundaries in Healthy Empathy

Boundaries are not walls.
They are membranes.

They allow:

• Feeling without fusion
• Care without collapse
• Connection without self-abandonment

Boundaries don’t make you cold.
They make you present.

The Takeaway

Codependency and narcissism are not mirror images.
They are not opposite ends of one spectrum.

They are different failures of the self:

• One collapses inward
• One fails to extend outward

And confusing the two keeps people stuck in the wrong repair process.

Empathy without boundaries is self-erasure.
Boundaries without empathy is disconnection.

Healing is not choosing one side.
It’s restoring the structure that allows both to exist.

Trusting it will bring some light to someone’s shadow,

Amale 💫💙